I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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