3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
