she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
