I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
