tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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