Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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