Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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