Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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