I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
