Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
