i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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