i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
