i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
