After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
