I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
