shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
