foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
