I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
