this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
