My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
