i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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