i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
