Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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