he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
