Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
