If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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