Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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