No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
