Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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