woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
