I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
