there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
