Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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