Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
