I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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