mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
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