hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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