Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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