: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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