i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
