Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
