It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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