Banned from zoo.
Again?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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