My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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