We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
