Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
