The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
