I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
