Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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