I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
