see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
