my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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