I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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